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Eduvest – Journal of Universal Studies

Volume 2 Number 9, September, 2022

p- ISSN 2775-3735 - e-ISSN 2775-3727

LOSS AND GORGEOUS

(A PASTORAL STUDY ON GRACE COUNSELING)

Genoveva Leasiwal

Ambon State Christian Institute , Indonesia

Email: [email protected]

A BSTRACT

This journal aims to analyze the role of mentoring and grief

counseling due to the loss or death of someone who cannot

be forgotten and resolved so that it becomes a heavy burden,

and sucks out one's creativity. The longer the healing process,

the greater the risk of grief for its integrity. In this case,

people grieving because of death need to get attention from

various parties, one of which is the Church in the form of an

assistance, for this reason this study aims to describe and

analyze forms of pastoral care that has been carried out so

far and to develop a pattern of pastoral assistance for people

grieving due to death. To obtain data, the authors use direct

interview techniques with informants consisting of servants

and people who experience grief due to death, both

unexpected and sudden deaths. The results obtained from

this study indicate that the pastoral care that has been

carried out by the ministry is only temporary and is carried

out when a grieving person contacts the minister, so that the

grieving person is still in an atmosphere of grief because he

does not receive effective assistance. The pastoral assistance

that is carried out requires a pattern that can serve as a guide

for ministers in providing help, for that the author offers a

pattern of assistance that can be adapted to the needs of

grieving people with different types of grief, namely a spiral

mentoring pattern where the counselee will not always be the

counselee because when he has been helped he will empower

himself to become a counselor and can help others too .

KEYWORDS

Grief, Consequence, Death

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons

Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International

Genoveva Leasiwal

Loss and Gorgeous (A Pastoral Study on Grace Counseling)

1838

INTRODUCTION

Grief is a state that no one can escape from. Everyone has and will experience it,

this is due to various experiences of losing something important in life. Loss that causes

grief include: breakup, divorce, abandoned by parents since childhood, friends, friends,

valuables, legs or arms (amputed/cut off), or due to the death of the closest people

(husband, wife, children, father). , mother, sister, or brother) (Ahmadi, 2002) .

This experience that causes grief, is an emotional experience that arises as a

reaction to the loss of something "important" in one's life. For this reason, in the face of

grief, people often have feelings of doubt, loss of trust, weakened spiritual vitality,

sadness and feelings of an empty soul (Asmarany, 2012) .

The experience of grief over the various losses is not as great as the reaction of

grief caused by the death of a loved one. This is because loss outside of death can quickly

disappear on its own, but the grief caused by death takes a long time to be able to revive

the spirit that has been reduced by the death. Death is something that will be experienced

by everyone, no one can escape death, even everyone knows that each of us is waiting for

our turn to experience death, but in reality everyone is not ready when their loved ones

die. precede them (Clinebell, 2002) .

The death of a person is a painful separation experience for the family or relatives

left behind, they are filled with deep sadness and sorrow. Suppressed grief, which cannot

be resolved, becomes a heavy burden, and sucks out one's creativity. The longer the

healing process, the greater the risk of grief for its integrity (Gunarsa, 2004) . According

to Yakub Susabda, in going through these times, church members in general and church

ministers in particular deserve to be guided to function as a substitute for a large family

for people who lack a support system, they can provide practical support and emotional

support in the form of whatever suits the needs of the bereaved (Harti, 2020) . The grief

that occurred due to death was also experienced by people in the GPM Siri Sori Sarani

Klasis PP Lease Central Maluku congregation. In accordance with what has been

described previously that the large role of the environment in the event of grief assistance

which has become a tradition in every ministry in the church, this is also experienced by

grieving people in Siri-Sori Sarani, especially in the Siri-Sori Sarani congregation.

Pastoral assistance that has been carried out so far is only situational in nature,

where assistance occurs because of a situation that has become a tradition, so people will

feel uncomfortable (embarrassed) if as neighbors or relatives are not present during the

night of consolation or other thanksgiving nights. An atmosphere where it only takes

place on a few occasions, including: the 3rd night after the funeral, 40 days, 100 days and

1 year of the death of the person (family member). The thanksgiving service which only

includes singing a few hymns, reading God's Word, a short meditation and eating or

drinking tea together, after that all of them go home leaving the grieving person. For this

reason, the grief experienced by the grieving person is getting bigger so that it can cause

physical pain and despair in looking at the future.

Based on the reality that the author observes that in the Siri-Sori Sarani GPM

congregation, the form of Pastoral Assistance for those who mourn after death, is only in

the form of: worship of surrendering the dead, worship during funeral preparations at the

funeral home, which includes praise, preaching the Word of God. and prayer, funeral

services at the cemetery, thanksgiving services at the funeral home after the funeral

procession at the cemetery, with the same worship content (Hunt, 1987) .

The reality of this kind of assistance has resulted in some members of the

congregation, especially those who experience grief because of the death of their closest

people, still under various pressures that have an impact on feeling a dilemma between

having to accept this painful reality or not. Feelings of guilt, not ready to accept reality

(denying death), being sensitive, frustrated (unsatisfied), stressed (depressed state),

depression (depressed, heartbroken, hopeless and sad), developing thoughts that death

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occurs because of the power of darkness (thinking to mystical things), in this case there

are people who are jealous of their family members so that they use supernatural powers

to destroy their family members, many even blame God for the death (Kansil & Wagiu,

2021) .

From the results of the author's initial interview, the assistance provided to people

grieving due to death has not fully answered their problems. Among them are several

people I met: first: Ibu Santi, a 64-year-old widow, after the death of her husband actually

Santi's mother was under heavy pressure, because now her husband's responsibilities are

on her shoulders. Ibu Santi has to play a dual role (as head of the household and

housewife), this takes a lot of energy and thought, eventually causing Santi's mother to

often get sick and have unstable emotions. This situation also has an impact on the

relationship between family members, where there is a conflict of opinion resulting in

children choosing to leave the house, because they do not like the conditions at home,

often noisy because of the loss of the leadership system in the family (Kübler-Ross, 1973)

Second: David.P is the eldest son who has experienced despair because of his

father's death. The atmosphere of family life after his father died, is very much different

when compared to previous times, tensions often occur in the family. So that David

himself felt unable to replace the father's role as the head of the family. Moreover, during

this time the very role as a substitute for the father is the mother herself. This further

made David feel unworthy to be born as the eldest child, especially since his youngest

sister (girl) is still in college who needs a place to take shelter. This atmosphere made

David even more stressed, with his only income as a motorcycle taxi driver he felt unable

to help his younger brother in his studies (Kurnia, 2010) .

Third: Ellen .L's mother, is a mother who lost her only child, her mood is mixed,

believe it or not. That it turned out that his newborn son was only given the opportunity to

live with him for three days. How as a mother, this loss is a very heavy blow to accept.

Moreover, this child is the first child and the background of this child's presence is

experiencing many problems (the child's father does not want to be responsible). Ellen's

mother hopes that this child will be a comfort to her, but everything is beyond her control

so the feeling of following her child to death often arises in her mind. One belief also

emerged in the mind of Ellen's mother and her family that the death of this child was due

to the power of darkness (mystical), this was strengthened by the findings of mawi-mawi

(clairvoyant) and people who prayed and got the answer to that prayer. This makes

Ellen's mother and her family even more unable to forgive the person who they think has

been proven to be the cause of the death of their child/grandchild (Lawrence, 2009) .

The pressures and tensions of life make a person need to get pastoral assistance,

because actually pastoral care is a form of conversation intended so that through

conversations that are built, people can know and recognize other people's personalities

and the problems they face, and vice versa. Conversation is used as a tool that connects,

helps and guides others in seeing the various problems that exist in this life. The intended

conversation is not an ordinary conversation, but a conversation that has more value

(really). Thus a person must be able to train himself to have the skills, intelligence and

ability to use the "conversation" as well as possible for pastoral purposes.

Pastoral assistance is intended to discuss human and environmental issues,

therefore pastoral assistance cannot be lived by simply learning the techniques. However,

they must be able to learn the attitudes and behavior of individuals well, for that the

waiter must be able to show an attitude of openness and willingness to serve others

(Nasution, 1996) .

According to Müller in Aboneno, pastoral care can be equated with nurturing the soul, it

is an independent function of the church, where the notion of assistance has a central

place. This assistance is given to church members in their lives for their personal needs,

to serve as the body of Christ and for their duties and responsibilities in the midst of the

world (Marbun, Th, & PdK, 2018) .

Genoveva Leasiwal

Loss and Gorgeous (A Pastoral Study on Grace Counseling)

1840

Responsibilities in carrying out pastoral care must be shared together, both the

staff and church members who can be used as partners in carrying out this assistance.

Thus, the pastoral task is not only the official duty or monopoly of the pastor, but also for

everyone who is a follower of God. Everyone who is able to help others who are in

various life pressures to provide solutions to every problem faced by that person

(Putnarubun & Metanfanuan, 2019) .

From the explanation above, it is understood that pastoral assistance is a job in

serving others that is holistic. Holistic assistance is carried out by providing complete

assistance to others, including physical, mental, social, and spiritual. In this case we can

imitate God, because God, who is the creator, is caring and nurturing well, for that God in

Jesus Christ is called the "Great Shepherd".

The method used in this research is qualitative and the approach used in this

research is descriptive which aims to describe or describe systematically, and accurately

about the phenomenon or the relationship between the phenomena being investigated. In

addition, descriptive analysis is also understood as a form of research that seeks to

determine current problem solving based on data. So that it aims to describe and solve

problems systematically and accurately regarding the facts and characteristics of the

community as well as the targets and informalities studied (Setiawan, Lasmaria,

Hermanto, & Utomo, 2022) .

Lease Islands , there are various complex issues. One of the problems that exist is

the grief of death. In this case, the practice of pastoral assistance that has been carried out

has not run optimally. The location of this research is also a living laboratory of research

activities and research services, therefore the context of the life of the Jama'at is well

known. The targets and informants in this study were the Siri-Sori Sarani GPM

Congregation and people mourning the death, including servants in the Siri-Sori Sarani

GPM congregation and people/families who mourned the death (Susabda, 1996).

Data analysis is the process of compiling data so that it can be assessed.

Arranging words means classifying them in patterns, themes, or categories. Without

categorization or classification of data there will be confusion of interpretation or

interpretation, meaning giving meaning to analysis, explaining patterns or categories,

looking for relationships between various concepts. Interpretation describes or views the

researcher, not the truth. The veracity of research results must be judged by people and

tested in various other situations (Van Beek, 1987) .

RESEARCH METHOD

The research method used in this study is a qualitative descriptive method. The

type of data used in this study is qualitative data, which is categorized into two types,

namely primary data and secondary data. Sources of data obtained through library

research techniques (library study) which refers to sources available both online and

offline such as: scientific journals, books and news sourced from trusted sources. These

sources are collected based on discussion and linked from one information to another.

Data collection techniques used in this study were observation, interviews and research.

This data is analyzed and then conclusions are drawn.

RESULTS AND DISCUSSION

A. Grief Counseling

Basically grief (grief) is not a disease or disorder. However, if grief cannot be

accepted and managed properly by the mourner, then grief can become Patagonic grief.

Grief is natural in our lives. It is different from everyday conversation that associates

grief with the death of someone. Grief is not always related to someone's death. Grief is a

normal reaction when people experience stress (pressure) to lose someone or something.

Grief is an attempt to create a new balance after the loss. Grief can also be called post loss

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stress or post loss stress. Facing loss, surviving, changing, and growing in a new

condition, namely life without missing objects. Grief can be experienced by individuals,

couples, families, groups, communities and even society at large.

Each form of assistance has a goal that becomes a reference as well as a

benchmark for the success of the assistance carried out. Similar to other mentoring,

pastoral care for grieving people also has a goal, namely: with this assistance, it is hoped

that people grieving after the death of loved ones can gain new strength and insight to

understand and, if possible, be able to overcome the problems they face and then be able

to free from the cycle of grief experienced (Zaini, 2021) .

B. Functions and Stages of Grief Counseling Assistance

Function is the use/benefit that can be obtained from the mentoring work. Thus, the

function of pastoral assistance is the operational goals to be achieved in providing help to

others. Pastoral care for the bereaved after the death of a loved one is carried out in

accordance with the functions and objectives of the existing assistance.

There are several functions that can be found in a Pastoral Assistance process that

is carried out, including:

1. Guiding Function

2. Support/Support Function

3. Parenting Function

4. Affirming Function

Grief is an emotional crisis experience, for that it is necessary to have several

stages in overcoming it. By using the stages in crisis counseling, pastoral care for

grieving people can be carried out, because the stages in crisis counseling are applied in

long-term assistance. Condolence assistance is also a long-term assistance, for that there

are several stages that will be passed, namely:

1. In this case the helper does what he did in the pre-help phase and the early

response stage in long-term counseling. Creating an atmosphere is an important

task. Warmth and hope are the most prominent skills accompanied by listening

and basic empathy as the main basic skills. Boarding is a pastoral function that

should be most visible.

2. Narrow down the issue; In this stage the counselor tries to eliminate all irrelevant

information and look for the core problem. The counselor needs to help the

counselee to explain what events or events preceded the crisis and how these

events could result in the counselee's intense distress. In this stage we can

distinguish between two sub-stages.

a. Sub-stage answering: the counselor responds with warmth and acceptance

and through advanced empathy. The feelings of someone going through a

crisis are usually more visible than usual, but are also often more complex

and difficult to separate. The pastoral function here is still supportive.

b. sub stage : counselors need concrete skills and seek information in this stage.

The pastoral function is more towards guiding. There are 4 things that really

need to be considered by the counselor , namely: a). Events that precede, b).

Loss experienced by the counselee (someone who is very loved, job, dignity

and so on), c). The level of the counselee's ability to endure suffering and d).

Factors that hinder the ability that used to exist to survive (for example,

maybe the counselee has lost a mate who was always supportive and now the

counselee is unable to survive in a crisis, because a mate is no longer there).

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c. survival stage; In this stage the counselee needs help from the counselor to

survive in his distress. The pastoral function of " guiding" is increasingly

prominent although the function of support remains important. The

orientation in this stage is more and more on the problem. At this stage, it is

hoped that the counselee's feelings have been sufficiently expressed so that

they are strong enough to accept a more practical approach from the

counselor. There are five sub-stages in this survival stage.

1) Define goals; Counselors and counselees together set some goals that

will help them find direction for further counseling.

2) Inventory of sources

3) Counselees and counselors need to determine the extent to which the

counselee has internal and external resources that can help in achieving

goals. Internal sources mean the counselee's abilities (intelligence,

emotional stability, previous experience and others). By external sources,

we mean relationships with certain people, financial sources, etc.

4) Determining alternatives After goals have been determined and resources

have been found, the counselee and counselor consider the means that

can help in achieving the goals, it is best to make an inventory of all the

possibilities.

5) Commitment to action Because the client's situation is facing a crisis that

is so critical, it is very important that the counselee is truly committed to

doing something. In discussing this we recommend that counselors use

an empathetic approach at both elementary and advanced levels.

In this case, when facing grief according to Elisabeth Kubler Ross, that there

are 5 phases that are usually passed by grieving people, including:

a. surprised; Feelings of shock and disbelief with the news or reality that is seen or

heard, so that an attitude of rejection arises (this death is not possible).

b. Denial; Sudden or unwanted death, tends to cause a distraction that this death is

just a nightmare, and not real. So people prefer to continue to exist and remember

the person who has died. They (the grieving person) will be angry if someone

else talks about something that the dead person doesn't like.

c. Anger; The attitude of not accepting the reality that resulted in blaming all those

who were close or there when the death occurred, and even blamed God. This

attitude is often shown through not communicating well in the environment or

not being active in worship.

d. mourning; This situation is very time consuming , it can last several months or

several years. Various feelings can arise, including: depression, guilt, loss,

loneliness, panic and crying without a clear trigger can be shown, can even arise

in physical pain.

e. Recovery; This period cannot be passed by everyone with the same conditions ,

everyone can get through this period well depending on the awareness and

support of the people closest to them and the environment in which they are.

Grief is a mental turmoil that allows a person to experience emotional stress,

in this case people can experience stress. According to Don Colbert, MD Stress is the

body and mind's response to any stress that upsets normal balance, it occurs when our

perceptions of events don't meet our expectations and we don't regulate our reactions

to disappointment. Stress is an unregulated reaction that is why people often express

themselves in the form of rejection, tension, or frustration, upsetting the physiological

and psychological balance and leaving us very unbalanced. If our balance is disturbed

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for a long time, stress can be paralyzing. We become exhausted from too much

burden, feel emotionally weak and eventually fall ill.

Emotional instability according to WF Maramis, emotion is an outward

affective manifestation and is accompanied by many physiological components,

moreover it usually lasts relatively short time (eg fear, anxiety, depression, and

excitement). And according to the psychological dictionary, emotional instability is

erratic emotional shocks.

Denial is not daring to see and admit a frightening reality. For example,

closing your eyes, because you don't dare to see something scary; does not want to

think about death, does not want to accept that his child is retarded; did not want to

understand that he had a terrible disease.

Loneliness according to WF Maramis is feeling left out. We've all

experienced loneliness, not only people living in cities, but also people living in

villages. Especially if they lose their loved ones: their mother, their father, or their

children and so on. In such situations they may experience deep loneliness.

Guilt according to Abineno is a feeling of guilt that is closely related to a real

awareness of one's own shortcomings or mistakes, and which is based on that

awareness trying to do things better.

Social interaction according to H. Bonner in his book "Social Psychology" is

a relationship between two or more individuals, where the behavior of one individual

affects, changes, or improves the behavior of the other individual or vice versa.

Orientation is a person's ability to recognize his environment and his

relationship with his environment in time and space towards himself and others.

Disorientation or orientation disorders arise due to impaired consciousness and can

involve time (not knowing the hours, days, weeks, months, years and seasons), not

knowing about oneself or others…or misinterpreting others, this needs to be

distinguished from "illusion" and "depersonalization".

Solution to problem

Grief is a normal response to a loss, especially the loss of loved ones due to

death. In accordance with the results of observations and interviews that the author

conducted on the condition of grieving people after death in the Siri-Sori Sarani GPM

Congregation during the research, it can be described that: when the death occurred

or the news of the death was heard, first of all, the grieving family experienced was

so devastated, that they expressed their mood by crying, some of them immediately

blamed the people who were near the mourning event, both the nurse who served at

the time, the caring family, the person suspected of being the cause of the death, some

even spontaneously blame God for the death event (this happens to those who die

suddenly), but there are also have a resigned attitude to the situation, thinking that

death is God's will.

The attitude of surrender to death does not mean that the person is not sad or

does not feel grief, they are also sad and feel sorrow for the event of death, but they

can control the emotions that are released. The author also found that at the time of

death there were people who cried until they were weak and unconscious (fainted),

but there were also those who suppressed their feelings of sadness at that time, this

happened because they were limited by their families and even Church servants

themselves, with the language " don't cry, what God has made is good or if you love

papa/mama/wife/husband/child/brother, don't cry because it will make them sad too

and don't leave in peace . " This can unwittingly make the grieving person suppress

Genoveva Leasiwal

Loss and Gorgeous (A Pastoral Study on Grace Counseling)

1844

the sadness or the feeling of loss is more difficult to help, because they really only

feel the loss of a loved one after two to three days after the funeral is carried out, they

can even cry suddenly, when they think back. about loved ones. This seems different

from people who express sadness by crying as long as the deceased has not been

buried, they feel more relieved because at least they have released a little mental

stress.

The peak point of grief for grieving people based on the author's

observations, namely at the time after the thanksgiving service, where everyone has

left the grieving person, it is at this time that they begin to realize that they cannot see

even through the next days with their loved ones. , people who have been a source of

comfort and pride (children's death), even people who are life support, this is when

they begin to feel lonely.

Even at the peak condition of the grieving people, there is less attention from

the Church's staff, this can be seen from all the Church's servants (pastors, sector

councils, sector administrators, unit administrators and administrators of other

accompaniment forums ) immediately leaving the grieving person alone after the

thanksgiving service at funeral home, they seem to feel that with the end of the

thanksgiving, the task is done. Whereas the greatest hope of the grieving person is

after the thanksgiving service, the presence of a servant device to strengthen them is

very much needed, even if it is just to hear complaints or put a hand on their

shoulders. Due to the absence of effective assistance to grieving people,

psychologically this condition results in grieving people experiencing: Stress,

Emotional Instability, Denial, Denial, Guilt Feelings and Social Conflict.

The condition of the grieving person with this complex problem requires a

special pattern of pastoral care which is a reference for the ministry's apparatus in

providing pastoral assistance to people who grieve after death. To answer the needs

of ministers regarding an effective pattern of pastoral care, the author on this occasion

offers a pattern of pastoral care for people grieving after death as follows:

Grief Assistance Pattern

M 1 M 2 M 3

Note:

KO : Counselor (Priest/other ministerial apparatus)

KL : The counselee (the person who mourns)

M1 : The process of pastoral assistance from KO to KL

M2 : The process where KL has been able to accept himself and can play a

function as a knockout again. In this case, KL can help other grieving people with

the experience they have received.

M3 : The process in which the KO who was originally a KL, carries out a

process of Pastoral assistance to other KLs with the experience he has

experienced.

In carrying out pastoral assistance to grieving people using the above pattern,

the counselee does not always only act as a counselee, but can play a role as a

counselor. This can happen, if the counselee has managed to get out of the

atmosphere of grief experienced, so the counselee can also help other people (playing

the role of being the next counselee) who are experiencing similar problems, in this

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case the main counselor (KO) still has a role to control the counselee (KL) who has

continued his role as counselor.

Effective pastoral assistance must have a role or we call it the work task of

grief that is played jointly by the counselor (KO) and the counselee (KL). The

following is an explanation of the role or work duties of the mourner :

The form of pastoral assistance/assistance to grieving people whose type of

death has been suspected (due to illness for a long time) so we call them those who

experience normal grief, the healing process is very dependent on the role of the

counselor and counselee, for that what must be done by counselors/pastors are:

1. The grieving person is still accompanied by the death of a loved one, especially at

the climax/after the funeral service at the funeral home. For the grieving person

to feel the touch of love from a servant

2. The counselor can make regular home visits, at least four times a month, so that

the counselor can find out the situation experienced by the grieving person after

being abandoned, whether there are problems that arise both internally and

externally

3. Counselors can be able to create a comfortable atmosphere for the counselee, and

accept the counselee as is. So that the counselee does not feel awkward to open

up about his feelings

4. The counselor can offer help to the counselee, so that the counselee does not feel

alone in dealing with his problems

5. The presence of the counselor should only be as a listener and not as a

counselor/preacher, so that the counselee feels comfortable to tell the problems

he is facing

6. The counselor can encourage the counselee to restore his relationship with God

7. The counselor can invite the counselee to find a solution to the problem at hand

and let the counselee find the solution himself without interference from the

counselor.

8. The counselor directs the counselee to think about the disadvantages and

advantages of the solutions that have been proposed by the counselee and let the

counselee decide what solution is best for him to do.

9. The counselor continues to monitor the counselee, whether the counselee is able

to accept his current situation or not.

Pastoral care for grieving people with this type of sudden death (suicide,

accident and illness in a short period of time), we call this type of grief because this

type of grief is usually difficult to heal and takes time, so what the counselor must do

is The counselor/pastor can form a team in which there are people who have been

trained beforehand and can be trusted in carrying out mentoring programs for the

bereaved.

CONCLUSION

From the results of the research conducted, the authors conclude that pastoral

assistance to people grieving due to death is carried out by priests / other ministerial

staff with the aim that grieving people can slowly accept the reality, and be brave in

living their next life even without their loved ones, and fostering grieving people to stay

closer to God so that they get strength in facing all the problems that will come. Deep

grief over the death of a loved one can make a person experience various kinds of

effects, both psychological and physical. With the existence of a good pattern of

mentoring, it can help grieving people in reducing one's sadness and despair in facing

life with new responsibilities.

Genoveva Leasiwal

Loss and Gorgeous (A Pastoral Study on Grace Counseling)

1846

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